it's over, ed

i never thought i would fall into an abusive relationship with ed.

i thought i was older and smarter than that. i thought eating disorders were something i dealt with in high school, and that even though i restrict nearly everything i eat and constantly berate myself inside, i thought i was fine, living a normal life.

doesn't everyone have a dark cloud constantly over themselves? isn't life supposed to be painful and terrible, with happiness out of the question? i thought so. and i still do think so. but one part of me, a small part that sticks by who i really am deep inside, knows that isn't right. ed must be stopped. i don't really know how, but i'm taking steps to do so anyway.

example 1: lunch

before...

& after.

it's not as much as i should be eating for an entire meal, but it's progress. and i cleaned my entire plate! the voices were a whole other story entirely, but i did it. i guess that's the trick. take each meal, each snack, one step at a time. i'm going to try not to think about how "bad" my day/week has been, but how healthy and tasty each individual meal is. 

i'm also going to try this new trick i learned in therapy to further attempt to kick ed's ass: say five positive things about myself each day, out loud. i don't even have to believe it, i just have to say it. i'll practice...

1. i am beautiful inside and out

2. i love my skin; it is unique 

3. i deserve to be healthy 

4. i deserve to be happy 

5. i am a special individual 

it sounded odd saying these affirmations out loud to myself. it was kind of hard, because they are things i would never normally say to myself. it's usually me saying the opposite. i liked it though! it felt empowering. hopefully one day soon i will start to believe them. 

New camera! + weekend activities

Friday night yoga left me with a euphoric high come Saturday morning, which was already exciting for me because I planned on going to Best Buy to purchase my new camera. I took advantage of tax free weekend in Massachusetts and saved the $75 or so I would have spent in addition to the hundreds on my new camera. Mentally reminding myself of those savings is what pushed me into finally buying my Nikon D3100 18-55 VR Kit!

And boy oh boy, is she a beaut.

I didn't even know how to assemble it at first, but with a day and a half's practice I'm already whipping it out of it's carrying case and snapping photos at any opportune moment. Just this morning, for example, I was awoken by my sister and mom talking about a snake she was holding outside the house. I grabbed my camera, bolted upstairs and played paparazzi EVEN BEFORE having my first sip of coffee. I don't do ANYTHING before my first sip of coffee, so if that isn't dedication, I don't know what is!

The camera has been an awesome hobby so far. I've already snapped over 130 photos of things around the house, family, friends, Wingaersheek Beach in Gloucester, a dragonfly, my Pomeranian/Sheltie mix named Kit, a mini funfetti whoopie pie, you name it! I caught an adorable shot of my 87-year-old grandmother giggling while she took her first bite of the whoopie pie -- I can't wait to post it, which brings me to my next point.

I keep talking about my awesome new camera but where are all the pictures??? Well, I realized this morning that it didn't come with a usb cord to connect it to my computer :( ... emphasis on the sad face. But I'll buy the cord this soon and I'm hoping to get my photos on my computer by later this week. Then I'll post the crap out of my pictures! Until then, though, I've only got those on my iPhone.

This was taken yesterday as we were leaving the beach. My sister and I were walking behind our two friends, who we thought were so funny with their matching backpack beach chairs, navy blue skirts and cooler-carrying teamwork. Not only are they great roommates, but they make for great friends, too. Spending the afternoon with them and my sister was the perfect day. The weather was beautiful: sunny, warm but with a breeze, slightly cloudy. The ocean breeze felt nice and I even took a dip up to my waist at my one point. I instantly sprinted out as I nearly caught hypothermia but it still felt nice. 

Then today I spent the afternoon listening to my grandmother tell me about her parents immigrating here from Ireland, how she met my grandfather, what their courtship entailed and raising my mom and her brothers. We sat outside her nursing home with my mom while they sipped wine, I snapped photos and Kit sniffed out the area. Hearing those stories I never knew before and spending time with them made me truly happy, like many other things this weekend. 

With all the positivity I have right now between my supportive family, my fun friends, my new camera/hobby, yoga and a good mental attitude, I am hopefully happy. As long as I can keep this up I know that I will one day be truly, unwaveringly happy. 

friday night yoga

i popped my yoga cherry! and it felt so right. i've done Pilates for years and always enjoyed it, but as i've gotten sicker i have struggled with working out. so in a spur of the moment decision i grabbed my mat and went to a yoga studio that i always drive by on my way home from work.

i arrived early and sat with the instructor/studio owner for 20 minutes. he was so welcoming and kind, asking me about myself, my health and my pain areas. the class was 75 minutes long (intimidating!) so i told him right off the bat that i may need to leave 30 minutes in. he told me that he would individualize each pose to comfort my symptoms, which he completely followed through with. he also divulged that most people are surprised to learn that they become so relaxed in a breathing exercise or pose that 10 minutes go by and they think it's only been one. i wanted to laugh out loud when he said that, knowing myself. i can never calm down or relax, and for the most part i'm stress city.

but true to the yoga guru's words, i melted onto my mat and the session flew by. one minute i was focused on my breathing in beginning stretches, then balancing on one foot, then the next thing i knew i was in a blanket cocoon saying 'peace' to my neighbors at the end.

not only do i feel proud of myself for doing something i didn't think i had the strength or independence to do, but i also feel excited to return. going to yoga tonight was the difference between feeling sort of blah about myself and my day and feeling happy - something i'm striving for each and every day. my awesome teacher gave me a class schedule and i can't wait to go back! what a perfect Friday night :)

oh, yeah. and then there's this:

pumpkin cheesecake. i know it's a tad early to pull out the fall flavors, but just look at it. enough said. 

chocolate & jewelry

both of these items fell into my lap today, in a sense. i was interviewing a business owner (i'm a reporter) who opened up a gift store. he gave me these colorful chocolate candies as a thank-you after the interview. how sweet!

they're in a super cute light green box with a floral top that i can reuse to store jewelry... which i bought later today, accidentally of course. i was camera shopping but didn't purchase one, so i had that itch whenever you go to the mall and don't leave with something in hand. i think it's a female thing, or a me thing, whichever. anyway, i wandered into good ol' Target and found myself admiring their big chunky/statement necklaces. cha-ching!

chocolate and jewelry make everyone feel happy, right? in an interesting twist, i can't eat the candies due to dietary restrictions and the necklace is for my sister. BUT receiving the gift and seeing my sister smile were enough to make me happy today :)

taking happy back

i'm unhappy, unwell. hurting outside and in. i'm sick of crying, struggling, fighting endless pain. it's been too long, i don't want it anymore. i'm going to take my life back, find happy and document each step of the way. who's with me?

me (left) circa 1994, happy

the old (young) me was healthy, spirited, loud, bubbly & smiling. who i used to be is still deep down in there somewhere and i'm bringing me back, dammit!